it’s been a long while. I haven’t written much in my journal either. Unlike before, I’ve haven’t felt the urge to decompress and to write anymore ; to be honest, I don’t feel much of a writer these days.
Since last April, which feels much of like a lifetime ago, I’ve basically moved my life. Yes, technically I’m still a Brown student, but I’ve chosen to spend my last year of college here where I reside now, in Paris. The beginning of this final semester in university has me feeling reminiscent and has drawn me to something with which I can feel something similar to how I’ve felt in the last other three years.
Donc, pour la dernière fois, let me be frank. Brown was a hard place for me. I don’t think that I ever found a home there. It was a place in which I had never grew to love even though for the course of those three years I kept on forcing myself to love it. Perhaps this confession maybe somewhat of a culmination of all the decisions I made and the consequences that situations led to, but I can’t deny it anymore and there’s honestly no more reason to ever since the end of the last school year.
Yes, I made some friends. No, I didn’t pursue every opportunity that was available. No, I never felt like a member of the community there ; and no, I don’t think that I really made the effort to really try to get myself “out there”. But I can’t blame others ; I can’t blame the school for my depression and for my shortfalls. At the end of the day, it’s my reflection that I look at in the mirror and my thoughts who haunt me, not those of others. 99% of it is and was all in my head.
I kept on going with the firm belief that there was something wrong with me and that this was something that everyone already knew. I still believe it and it’s absolutely absurd but I can’t not stop thinking about it. I continue on today with these thoughts and I wish that I could just go on even one day without the slightest thought, good nor bad. A day thoughtless seems like bliss and I wish that such a day could arrive one day.