This last week and a half, with these two finals coming, feel like I’ve been taking a huge gasp of air and I’m waiting until I can release it all in a huge sigh of relief. It’s one of the biggest things right now that I’m anticipating the most. I can’t wait to leave, but deep down I also know that I can.
Rather than much of a reading period, this time has mostly become a sort of purgatorial self-reflection, or, in other words, unproductive. I’ve been having trouble just staying focused on studying due to a wild combination of apathy, the fact that I have the time to actually put off studying later, unsettledness, and lastly, this sudden urge to evaluate many aspects of my life. And in the process of doing so, I found myself continuing the same cycle of comparing myself with others, in all the unpleasant and gritty aspects that I repeatedly vowed myself to get over. Alas, I can but only continue to deny myself these things, despite even how absurd they have become. Perhaps that’s a little reflective of how my situation has evolved overall.
Perhaps one of this most prominent themes that have emerged from this figurative confinement is my absolute stubbornness in accepting regrets as simply lost opportunities of which I’ll never know the outcome. That the past is the past and it’s no use to keep dwelling on those memories of bad judgement and unfruitful choices made. Countless numbers of people have told me to let go of it all as if all these regrets are some pieces of stone. To them, perhaps that’s the case, that they can live through life tossing and tossing these stones with minimal effort in to some bottomless pit accommodating all. I find that I don’t have stones, but rather, some black, sticky tar that, of some undetermined but undoubtedly massive quantity, is dumped on me each time my lapses of judgement and poor decision-making skills come at hand. Maybe it’d be more beneficial to try to simply toss myself in to that pit myself to get rid of it all, because God knows I would probably do more harm than good attempting to cleanse myself of that tar hell.
Righteously, there must have been some positive side to all this reflection, and I think that came in the form of all my wishes and wants. Everything that I wish would happen, rather than what I wish would had have happened. At times they come simply as passing thoughts, innocent and arguably the most pleasant because of their unsuspecting nature. Ironically, many of them focused on futures and/or alternate universes in which I were not here.