Today marks the fifth consecutive day that there hasn’t been any sunlight in Providence. For five days, it has been nothing but gloom and rain, and I think that it’s starting to get to me. I don’t recall any other time when something like this has happened to me. There probably has been another time like this, but I can’t remember it affecting me the way that it does now. It’s saddening and just overall depressing.
Classes have officially ended, so now we’re left on our own to study for the finals that will come trickling in starting next Wednesday. I don’t know how to feel about the fact that we have so much time between now and then. Finals last for two weeks, and I haven’t even made it through a single one. I’m especially dreading my last final, which is on the morning of the day I’m leaving Providence. It’s my hardest class and consequently the one that I’m the most on edge for. It is essentially that class that I must put most of my effort in. That class has truly been a roller coaster this past semester, and I’m infinitely glad that I’ll be getting off of it in due time.
In all honesty, I simply want to have the smoothest transition in to summer break. I’m exhausted and want to see the sun again.
So these days, I’m finding myself going to Starbucks more than usual, doing whatever. Partly because I don’t want to be back in my dorm because my room mate is always there, partly because I get some work accomplished while being here, and partly because this is a place I feel at ease, where the stress is a degree less oppressive, let’s say.
So today, I find myself here again, now reviewing the bare minimum for my oral exam tomorrow. The struggle I find with me taking language classes is that I try so hard, and I don’t even need to. I already know I’m going to get an A in the class, yet I try so hard to prepare for these tests. It’s a frustrating thing and I can’t seem to calm myself whenever it comes to oral exams. I just want to do a good job honestly. This class is the only class that I’m taking purely out of interest. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of, and it’s frustrating like no other. I suppose I just want to feel like I can be successful in at least something here.
I came to realise this when someone from my class suddenly came to sit right next to me, and she started commenting about how seriously I was taking the exam (I was taking notes for the exam before she arrived), almost making it seem like I was ridiculous. After replying back, she told me that she was a graduate student on a 5-year track to a PhD who simply couldn’t care less for the class, and had only taken the class as a requirement and thus hadn’t even given any thought to study for any aspect of it. Yet there I was, studying so “intently” for possibly the only class that I hadn’t grown to hate over the course of the semester. I couldn’t help but react by feeling somewhat offended but still ridiculous at myself. It was all such a confusing matter but I still ended up feeling too uncomfortable afterwards to continue studying for exam.
Now I’m left torn, with her having already left and leaving me to ponder the extent of my apparent “ridiculousness.”