How would you react if you admitted to yourself, for the first time,
I made a mistake coming here. This place was never for me. ?
It was the evening yesterday when I walked out in to the Pembroke green. The air was still moist from the on-and-off rain showers that occurred throughout the day, and the small breeze blew through my hair, but I didn’t care or bother worrying myself with any of it. The cold, the wind, the background conversations that trickled from the inside of the dormitories around me. Everything just blended together when the thought first came into my head, the thought that rang bells inside my mind for a few moments, the thought that began with : This was a mistake. Then that was proceeded by : Coming here was a mistake. And then, finally : This place is not for me. I don’t belong here.
I let those thoughts reverberate in my brain for a few moments. The fact is, those thoughts precipitated so rapidly and so suddenly into consciousness that I was reaction-less for a few moments afterwards as well. Reaction-less, but I still made my way, and I still felt the breeze blow through my hair in the same way it did before. I still made my way back like countless number of times before.
But this time, I admitted something to myself that might have been bubbling inside of my subconscious for two years, something that’s made itself too much of a big deal now to continue on going ignored, or perhaps more accurately, denied. At the time, maybe I made it seem that it would be impossible to admit something like this, which makes sense. That such a notion wasn’t possible at all, because it never happens to the 98%. Maybe, it would have helped a little sooner had I realised that I might actually belong to the other 2%.