the nth time

I’m so frustrated by the fact that I can’t formulate what I want to say even though I’m experiencing so many strong feelings at the moment. It’s almost as if it’s some form of mental torture. I simply want to express what I’m feeling concisely so that I can get at least some things off my chest.

Is there a sense of independence born from a feeling of exclusion ? As if rather than naturally disposed to being fine on your own, we find ourself driven to become so as a result of our failures to escape feelings of exclusion or because of others’ denial ? Others might praise and adore exclusivity, but for those who feel as though they’ve been cornered in to it, there really isn’t so much of a yearning to leave it but a strong urge to question, why me ? Examine the timeline and ascertain what went wrong, possibly. I find myself sometimes exactly doing this to find some answers beyond the such dissatisfying answer of “I’m just different.”

I mean, I see different all around me. I’m different too, I guess. But here we go again.

As much as I would love dwell aimlessly on this frequented subject, I honestly am not okay with doing this for the nth time. It’s a circular discussion that leads me nowhere except left with similar questions that I’ve already posed myself so many times before. There is actual work that I need to do.


















2 thoughts on “the nth time

  1. I hope you’re ok? It’s incredibly tough to deal with that kind of internalised frustration – I hope when you’re reading this some of that has passed.

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