I sit here thinking about how the past really doesn’t feel all that different from the present. I remember myself at this time one year ago, still struggling with all of it, and by all of it, I’m just referring to my life here in general. I scrolled through some of my posts I made approximately one year ago and I find that I still relate to them, more or less. The differences being that I’m just a year older, maybe also wiser, most probably more cynical but still breathing.
On a side note, yesterday night or the night before, I dreamt that somehow one of my closest friends back home found out about this here blog. I think it was because on that day, I called him and our conversation ended up lasting more than three hours. I immediately became my whole “LA” self once we started talking. Everything felt right again and there was little damn I gave in that I was in public—I was laughing, smiling and practically yelling in to my microphone as I was in Starbucks. It was such a nice feeling despite how short-lasted it came.
In my dream he had texted me the title of my blog, and I clearly remember the shocked facial expression I made…I was taken by surprised. All I could think about was how he managed to find it. Unfortunately, I can’t remember much of any thing else in that dream—his reaction thereafter, if he had said anything. I take this as a sign, possibly.
Any ways, I am trying to get myself fully back in to some sort of school rhythm (similar to those I used to get in to during high school), so that I could at least pass the time comfortably rather than trying with each day. I find that the latter takes too much of a toll on my body, spirits, and emotions. The cycle of discouragement, hope, and disappointment is something that I so furiously want to prevent again. Must I continue this life with full banality I will, particularly if it means that I’ll be able to hasten it in exchange.
I suppose I’m simply bitter now, but bitter is a feeling I’d much rather feel than the subtle despair, loneliness, and overall sadness that this place has otherwise gotten me accustomed to feeling. I see no more reason to continue myself in the same fashion that I have in the last year and a half. Perhaps this is what today has been trying to tell me.