two days ago

Providence always seems to get smaller whenever I come back.

Until now, I never really knew what an “existential” crisis was. I remember hearing that phrase so often the first time I came here by many people. And so I think I am facing one now.

There is no other stressful feeling than realising that you don’t know what you want to do with your life during the semester that you are supposed to declare your concentration and be set with a career plan. Two days ago, I arrived back, basically taking an uber straight from my red-eye flight directly to my second class (I missed the first class; thanks, Jonas). Other than the almost assured feeling of loneliness, accompanied by it this time was the uneasy feeling of What The Fu*k am I doing in this class and holy sh*t I don’t even have any classes registered.

Nothing made sense to me any more. What do I want ? Why can’t I make up my mind already ? I’ve been such a good procrastinator, and the particularly funny part is that I didn’t even know that I was procrastinating.

Biology has always been the default major. It seemed to make the most sense for me–I was good at it; I hated it the least out of the sciences–every one could see me fitting perfectly with the major, even me. But two days ago, I started to wonder what it is I wanted to do with a Bio major. What career options are available with it. Then it seemed to click–the only really feasible career with it is research, lab research. I would spend my days working for some research or lab for a living after spending my time in the lab at school for the past four years. The thought of it scared me to the bones. I do not want this future.

Last year I formulated some chimerical idea that I would major in Biomedical Engineering. It seemed appropriate for me. Basically, all my family members that are guys are an engineer in some form or another, and maybe fate had me destined for the same. I could never be so wrong after taking that introductory engineering course. Honestly, I don’t understand how they could go through with such a major like Engineering. The perspective that I gained from this single class was that you really had to love engineering in order to major in it, and that is the complete opposite feeling I harboured by the end of the semester.

But that leads me to another point. Why is it that I couldn’t simply be like them ? Why must I be the different one who can’t handle Engineering so simply like how they did it ? Even my younger brother, merely a freshman in high school, is already positively sure that engineering is his future. Everyone can see it, and I feel so cheated.

I am just asking for some certainty in my life. I want to be able to proudly know what I want in some aspect of my life. Coming back here continues to remind me that I am living in a cloud. There could be no worse place to be mentally trapped in.



4 thoughts on “two days ago

  1. You are certainly not alone in not being able to decide it all at such an early age. Many, many people — the majority, I’m sure — change careers during their lifetime. I used my undergrad degree for less than two years before I decided what I really wanted to be, and then returned to school for a graduate degree along those lines, followed by a wonderful career I loved. This is not uncommon. So, just do the best you can do now, knowing what you do. And understand that you may well choose differently as you grow older and come to know yourself better. It’s part of being human. Good luck!

  2. I think you are under too much pressure to make a decision. your real major should be interesting to you, and it will seem easy to you. if it makes you work too hard, then you don’t have the talent for it. keep searching… just have not discovered it yet. if you stay with biology, make sure you have plans to go onto a PhD. if you stop with a BS, you will be someone’s slave almost forever, until you get older, then no one will want you. they will pick the younger ones instead coming out of college. a BS means nothing in science.. other fields will get you further, and more respect, and you can work with a BS until you are 90, if you want to work that long.

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