know your own fragility

Today, I learnt that I failed a maths midterm. I’m on such a great streak, as I’m so very much aware.

My hands are trembling from either the caffeine in my drink or the disappointment in myself failing that test. I know that I should already get past this, but I can’t fully express this profound feeling of failure.

It’s only one test. A test that has mangled my grade.

It’s just a grade. A grade that matters immensely given how much my family is putting at stake paying for my attendance in this college.

That’s actually something that had been running through my mind as I left the room and depressingly walked off my shame. I kept thinking to myself during the exam about how I needed to drop this course. How it would be my only escape. But how could I explain that to my parents. How could I get myself to say those words. I guess my worst fear is their reaction, regardless of whatever it’d be. I don’t want them to know that their child has become so vulnerable and broken in this new life. I don’t want to disappoint them because I’ve already asked of them so much. I don’t want to find out what they’d think of me–of what anyone who knows me well would think of me. I’ve just come to know of my own fragility.

 

 

2 thoughts on “know your own fragility

  1. Dear Adam: It’s good to become aware of one’s fragility early, and to strive, always, to be vulnerable, to risk being broken. You start to die only when you shut down to that. Are you familiar with Brene Brown? If not, please look at her TED talks. She is wise, and popular, precisely because so many of us struggle with shame and vulnerability.

    You can best honor your parents by coming to fully know and wisely nurture yourself, so that you may live your potential; this is a difficult, lifelong task. So, be kind to the person coming of age within you, You will know both success and failure, time and again, over the years; we all do. Failing at a particular task does not mean that you — Adam Perry — are a failure.

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