I didn’t know how long things could be dragged out for this long. So many things have been dragged out for so long now, and I’m just getting tired of it all. It’s draining my energy and spirit just trying to remain optimistic and to reassure myself that it’s fine, but I don’t think that I can keep it up with this type of overbearingness that I feel. It’s all just so difficult and I can’t quite keep up with the flow of time.
I have made so many unwise decisions and I just keep on making more. I feel as though I’m stuck in some endless loop of hoping, observing, and losing all that hope again. And I’m ashamed to admit that I’m during that phase of the loop presently. I don’t even want to write about it any more. It just seems so redundant that I treat myself this way. I fear that it’s what I’ve become.
I wonder how everyone else does it. I wonder how my sister got to where she is now, as a senior, so happy and content with her life; she succeeded in what I could never do. Academics were always my territory. Everything else was hers. But it turns out that in life, academics count so little to happiness in the big picture. All the grades, the A’s, and the perfect scores mean so little when you can no longer smile at the beginning of each day, knowing that your livelihood never really depended on any of that.
And really, the cherry-on-the-top is the fact that academics are not even my territory any more going to the university where I am. I struggle to stay afloat just to remain among the average performers here. So much has changed, and I couldn’t even follow my own advice.