Often I like to leave campus whenever I have the chance to. I have done it for the past 3 days now. I do it because at times I can’t stand the noise of the school, all the good friends that I don’t have, all the laughter and conversations that I seem to get engulfed in. Leaving is my way of escaping what I don’t have here.
I also wonder how everyone else’s lives are here. How they all appear to be in such high spirits all the time, because the isolation that I feel is something so alien to them, so unnatural, whereas in myself, it almost feels pre-disposed.
It has become so hard for me to keep such a content disposition because I can’t keep fooling myself that I am. That everything that I’ve wanted has been achieved with my being here, but I am so scared that saying this only reveals myself being selfish in only thinking about my expectations. I fear this the most because people have expected me to feel the opposite of what I’m actually feeling. I just keep thinking to myself how ironic the situation would be and how pathetic I would feel and how different people would think of me if they learned of this and understood. Regardless, either case still torments.
No one told me that college would be something like this. All I heard were the generic stories of how college was the best years of their lives, the time of their lives, something that they looked back in their histories so pleasantly and with happiness. I was not prepared for what the “time of my life” would actually bring in to my life. I know that I can only blame myself for believing them but what else could I do? I had only known so much cynicism in high school, and I trusted them so much in believing that that would change when I hopped on a plane bound for the other side of the country.
So I wait, not really expecting anything any more as I’m still stricken with such social angst that I can’t let go of. I want to worry no one because I’m very aware that this problem is one I, myself, have nourished. One of my friends back in California recently told me that my problems matter. That just because other people have larger problems that those of myself, they still can’t be ignored. I agree. It’s just that I really can’t let others try to help me in my self-made mess.