flaws, III

I can’t really say what it is about this second year in college that has me feeling a bit lost. I also can’t tell if I am happy where I am; everything is just the way that it is. I suppose, in the morbid sense, the way that it’s supposed to be, because, myself, I believe in fate. There are no coïncidences in our lives. But, we also have to power to choose what our fates may be, and having a choice is a very powerful ability.

So, with this regard, I conclude that I am in the status that I am simply because I chose this fate. I had the choice, as everyone did come the beginning of the school year, but I chose something that was particularly comfortable but led no where, essentially. I was tempted to keep making the “wrong choices,” per say, and this had ultimately ended to the state that I am in now.

I continue in the same fashion just as I always have, ill-motivated to make that “great change” that I keep telling myself will maybe perhaps flip my luck with everything. I am so reticent to make whatever it is I envision come to life because I am just constantly reminded of everything that I am not, everything that I think I “should” be, and everyone that breezes by through their lives with the ease, certainty, and confidence that I lack so much of. I try to face each new day as a new chance to turn my life around, but more and more discouraged do I become when I realise that this new day is just as any other.

In essence, I suppose you could say that I live life from a perspective of a ghost. Seeing, observing, thinking about everything and everyone but never giving much proper reaction. I don’t exactly know why I have become like this, but suffice it to say that I really was always like this any ways so what now, then, is the root of my own problems? Why does my ghostly apparition fail to do what everyone seems so capable of doing naturally? I wish that I could have so many answers to my questions but I’m just talking to a computer. Then again, I may have chosen to be this ghost.

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