To start things off, I have been trying very hard to think of what to write these past few days. I have been extremely busy (?) these past few days but I can’t really convince myself that I really was. Maybe I managed to fill my days with so much busy-work so just to distract myself from more pressing matters at hand.
Returning here was mostly bittersweet, much like how it was when I came back to LA four months ago. Now I see more clearly the reality that is my life…mostly boring, mundane, filled with everything that is supposed to help me with my future: finding a job, stressing out over which course of study I actually want to stick to, social anxieties that neither really ceased nor worsened at this point, a diminishing motivation wrought by the «C’s get degrees» motto, and other, just casual 18-year-old matters.
In that same line, I feel so extremely unprepared for what I’m facing now and whatever that lies ahead of me. I have already learned to exist with the fact that nothing really is in my control anymore. No longer can I organise my live in to the neat little boxes that I treasured so long for being the ideal way of life for me, because upon coming here, the realisation has slowly dawned on me that it may not be so ideal after all. I used to take on only what these little organising boxes in my brain could hold. Their capacities helped me to distinguish the boundaries of what I wanted to accomplish and everything that I wanted to pursue, but above all, these little boxes helped me to stay sane amid the turbulences constantly being thrown in my still young life. I suppose that growing older requires a few changes if sanity remains a goal of mine; however, there are no more boxes left for me to place that in. Do you see my dilemma now?