lost letters : 002
6 May 2015
I never thought that I’d be writing to you in a letter that will never meet your own eyes. Circumstances have changed so, so dramatically just in the past year that I no longer feel comfortable confiding in you with these things that I’m about to say. Of course, none if it is your fault, or my fault, in fact. The distance and the conditions that we chose set in enough motion for our drift toward essentially disparate worlds. But I know that when I see you again later this month along with the rest of our high school friends, you’ll be ecstatic to see me again; and for you, it’ll be just as if we had taken a Spring break in high school—ready to resume things right where we had left them. I am sure that you’ll behave this way because I have known you for over 8 years and your character is no surprise to me, even if it has undergone changes throughout your time in college.
I, however, am the one who’s compelled to no longer feel like how we always did. I don’t think that I can feel as though time has not passed and just be content with the fact that we’re all together again, because I’m not sure if it will feel the same way. I always had cherished the relationship between you and I and those others among our friends immensely, and I hope that all of you understand why that is so—why that, perhaps, was so. You are so happy, and I am happy for you.
I remember the first time I came back home after the first four months of the first semester. I was excited to get back for winter holiday, and it felt like a relief to have gotten out of the vicinity of the college for a few weeks. But then I came back to my house, and I never would have anticipated feeling what I felt when I got there—I felt like a stranger, like I was a visitor in the place where I had grew up. I didn’t even keep this to myself that time—I told you and Steph this on that night when we went out to eat dinner for the first time in four months. I also told you guys that you seemed so much more mature and had changed quite a bit. You both denied it, so I just went along and said that I’d mistaken, but I had meant it. I could see the change in your eyes and your movements. Truthfully, I started to feel uncomfortable and out-of-place.
I’m coming back this Sunday night. I will probably see you in the next week, I hope, if you’re not too busy. Please don’t go out of your way to see me, because I will always be available for you, regardless if you have started to remember me now only as memories and not very much more. I say this without bitterness toward you, because I still cherish you as my best friend and I will always love you so. I understand the circumstances, and I understand the situations these circumstances have engendered.