flaws, II

If I asked you when was the loneliest time in your life, what would you say? When you felt isolated amidst a giant crowd of people, amidst the whole world. But there you still are, feeling the furthest away from someone—anyone—when you’re right next to them. I never imagined that I would find myself in this exact position during a time and in an environment where I should be feeling and doing the complete opposite, and I think that the effects have started to catch up to me.

Of course, for everyone, the effects are different. I have tolerated the loneliness because I had gotten comfortable with it, and during the first few months, I didn’t mind it at all and even grown to like it. I didn’t think that it would grow to be a problem in my life, because I was doing okay. I went on my days thinking that things would eventually get better, but I had no idea at all in what ways that would occur, how it would occur.

So, I grew less fond of the feelings, and I have been slowly realising that it’s very difficult to live my life simply by just passing time, and that I can’t continue to feign contentment being aware that I’m lacking something so important. It gets harder and harder to pretend and to make-believe when you’re growing up, I suppose…

Where there was a glow, I can only see a faint dimmer now. I can’t see beyond my apathetic lens and I struggle to salvage any enthusiasm for anything that I do any more, really. I have been repeatedly missing some of my classes but the thing that is starting to scare me is the fact that each time, I care less and less about the consequences that these actions engender.

On the contrary, what continues to grow is my fear of people. I picture more situations in my mind about people’s reactions and their impressions of me, and I can’t stop thinking that they all think I’m some type of weirdo and that I’m inferior. These musings replay over and over in my brain and I don’t try to fight them any more, because I’m tired and I think that I’ve already been receiving a good beating by life; I don’t want to risk worsening what already is worsening by itself.

And in my efforts to try to seek peace each time that I step outside of this dorm in order to get away from the campus, I get discouraged every time that I return, sometimes a little bit sadder, and other times, just plain fed up ||

2 thoughts on “flaws, II

  1. You are a beautiful writer and your words were my thoughts put so elegantly on paper. I have felt so alone and afraid lately, even when I’ve been told that I am loved.

    • Loneliness is mysterious in that way, I think. It’s sneaky and its effects are usually felt in the long run. Stay strong 🙂 , and thank you so very much for the comment ❤

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