I find myself retreating to this place whenever I have one of these weeks, and I’m thankful that I discovered a place like this. Today, I can breathe a somewhat sigh of relief because the week has passed and because I still can breathe.
Have you ever felt emptiness? I suppose it’s pretty much futile to try to elaborate what kind of emptiness I’m trying to describe, but I think that if you’ve felt it, we both have a tacit understanding of what is means to feel nothing. To feel numb and apathetic. To have been let down so many times over by your own life that you don’t want anything any more, you don’t expect anything any more—instead, you anticipate that nothing will improve and doing anything beyond accepting that fact is futile as well.
I think that I feel this way in order to make life progress at a good pace. I used to be the type who worried about things days, weeks, and even months in advance, but now, I think that with this mindset, I constrict myself to merely focusing on each day, to merely just existing but functioning, but no more than that. I’m influenced too much on my past experiences with remaining hopeful because I know that I will just be let down one more time, and there doesn’t seem to be an end to that. Choosing to live in life’s shadow seems like the most risk-free option that I have, because frankly, I didn’t want to continue to invest my strength into backfiring efforts.
Friday marks midsemester, and it’s a bit astonishing to realise that I’m almost 75% done with freshman year. I don’t know during which freshman year I did worse on, to be honest—my college freshman year or that during high school. For some reason these past few months, I’ve been big on trying to retain good memories of things that are happening to me nowadays, because I have terrible memory and can barely remember many things from my past. I’ve been trying to write more frequently in my journal in order to sum up specific days, and I think this has helped me to grow more as a writer. I am a writer thanks to my crappy memory, to state it otherwise. I want to be able to read something that I described ten years ago and feel the exact way that I had felt writing it down for the first time. It’s no easy commitment to stick to. Why do you choose to write?
I realise that this post is pretty much all over the place in terms of direction. There is not much unity, and I apologise for that because I had started writing this yesterday during late pm, early am hours, and I’ve continued the day after. I has come to me much clearer now that I’m not sure what message I’m trying to get across to you all in this post, so I apologise once more.
Please feel free to comment on my writing style, voice, and anything else, however. I’m curious to see if you think I’ve progressed as well. It’s greatly, tremendously appreciated, and I can’t thank you all enough that you spend your precious time reading my thoughts 🙂 ||