I think I have insomnia. For the past three nights, I have had to take multiple sleeping pills just so that I could fall asleep.
The nights begin like any other. I lay down in bed; I try to let my thoughts wander; I shift positions around a lot because I can never seem to get comfortable in this old bed; I get an annoying song stuck in my head; I look at the clock and I notice that it’s already been an hour since I’ve tried to go to sleep; I seemingly try not to get worried that I am losing more and more sleep; I start fiddling around with my fingers and toes; The annoying song continues; I feel the world growing silent as my mind insists to do the opposite; I shut my eyelids ever so tighter; I relax and think to myself that all I need to do is calm down and remember to do the breathing exercises that my fourth grade teacher taught me; I look at the clock again and 2 hours have gone by; I open my drawer; I break the seal of two sleeping pills; I swallow them both and then start to feel assured; I lay back down; the song continues.
I’m getting scared of how the simple, human necessity of sleeping is becoming more and more of a difficulty for me. It sounds absurd, I know. I fear that I’ll end up having a sleeping pill addiction and that I won’t be able to sleep at all in the future without taking my sleeping pills. I really honestly can’t tell if college is doing any good for me. All I’ve really learned about myself during these last few months is how terrible I am at social interaction and how inferior I am to most of these geniuses. Not to mention that I also can make a difficulty out of sleeping. For heaven’s sake—sleeping.
I find this semester emotionally more burdening on me. So far I think I can attribute it to this really, really shitty polar vortex weather, homesickness, classes/professors that aren’t engaging, feeling lonely, and did I mention the really shitty weather? I’ve realized that I can only stand the cold for so long. Everywhere, even in-doors, I feel cold. I do not understand why facilities does not allow us to bring up the heat past a “comfortable” 60 degrees. Like fuck you, do I seem like a fucking penguin in Antarctica? I’m from Los Angeles where the winters ARE 65 degrees. I need warmth, that’s the least I could ask for.
And to top it all off, I have midterms looming these next two weeks. Part of me cares deeply of how I do on these tests, part of me just wants to just wing it. But I am also very aware that winging it is definitely not a possibility because I wouldn’t just let myself down, but my parents, other family, etc., and so on. I really need something for myself.
Life’s a drag ||