next year (I’ll be home): Part 1

I’ve decided to name this post so because throughout the course of the day, I have been trying to find a proper song to mirror the way I have been feeling ever since I’ve returned back in good ‘ole Providence. So then, after endlessly going through old playlists, I managed to find this song by Two Door Cinema Club, <<next year>>, specifically the RAC remix. At first, the beat caught my attention, because I think that in music, as like in expository writing, the beat is the hook–what is immediately important. I’m somewhat of a music elitist, tending not to worry too much about the content of the songs but more so the genre, but I was surprised at this song’s lyrics, because this song reminds me of my old friends. It scares me even that I regard them as old friends because I don’t see them often anymore, and I’m especially sad at this fact.

It’s ironic that I’m even more homesick returning back here the second time around because usually, it’s the first time leaving home that earns the achievement of being the most bittersweet. But going back home this past winter break really solidified what it was that I left the east coast for, and I realised then, upon stepping foot back in my house, that nothing felt the same. My relationships with my family, my friends, my (ex-) girlfriend, and even my house were altered and that scared me, because I felt partially like a visitor in my own home, but I still recollected remnants of what used to be just four months prior.

So it had taken a few days to re-adjust back to a new normalcy, and how I’ve missed home ! I missed the lazy mornings, particularly the bright, sunny, 72-degree mornings (which in L.A., is everyday), when I could go outside to my patio in complete pajama wear, and simply bask in the sun while petting my favourite, and only, dog. It’s the activity that we both cherish doing, only because he loves the endless affection and belly rubs. Oddly enough I’ve missed my parents to some degree, mostly my mom, because I can’t even imagine the feelings she had having to let go another one of her children. But what I probably missed the most were the drives that my sister, myself, and sometimes my brother, had during the summer, and also my (ex-) girlfriend. Our drives weren’t to anywhere specific, but I loved the freedom of being able to go anywhere that we wanted, having the power, and I feel like I haven’t felt that in a while.

As for the circumstances with my (ex-) girlfriend, the ending of us is probably part of the reason why I have been particularly distant, removed, and ill-composed since I came. I’ve been having trouble with choosing my classes and doubting almost everything that I’m deciding, feeling once again, lonely. But feeling lonely was part of the reason that I decided to end our relationship, because she was the last, strong connection that I still had with my old home, and she made it almost impossible to forget (or more precisely, put aside) the past, and transition (change ?) to the new life here that I’ve yet to discover. I don’t mean to sound cheesy (but I will), but I think that she was the first girl that I almost loved. I was certainly capable of loving her and it still pains me in the bones to think that she might have already loved me.

Throughout our whole time together, I kept reminding her that I could never deserve the type of love that she gave me, past the whole deal of myself going to Brown and all, because I’m incapable of offering something just as substantial or commensurate, or at least I think I can’t. I couldn’t stand to see her be shortchanged of what she deserved; I always told her that I would disappoint her and make her sad, but I hope so dearly that the sadness that ended concurrently with winter break prevented something much more tragic later this year. I still think about her, definitely, and I do get on the verge of tears thinking about the amazing girl that I lost to unfortunate circumstances ||

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