loneliness

Loneliness is a very odd feeling for me. It’s one of those things that I just cannot describe accurately enough to my satisfaction, because I can’t decide if I like it or not, and this bothers me. I’m used to straight forward answers that have no ambiguity, but if you, say, try asking me how I feel about loneliness, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to say anything at all. I can’t say anything because maybe I’ve always felt a degree of loneliness in my life, so much so, that for me, it’s what feels normal and I’d probably be worrying the person with whom I’m talking to. However, in my perspective, there’s nothing to be worried about, because I’ve already lived through it this far so what would make the future anymore different? Perhaps the worst case is that I won’t be happy, but what significance does my happiness have in the lives of others? I have a few close friends and family, but I would suspect that they don’t really bother to care so much; they have lives of their own and have their own worries to attend to.

Most days, like this one, I usually spend entirely alone, wandering my usual places, studying, and listening to music. I wake up around noon and lay in bed for a while, going over my instagram, facebook, and twitter feeds, endlessly refreshing each feed and anticipating that there will be something new every minute. Then, when my roommate leaves the room, that’s when I usually get up. The relationship between my roommate and I is superficial at most, I believe. We get along with each other just fine, we let each other use our things and basically, I’m glad that I got the roommate that I did, because he’s a bit like me and we don’t get into nasty arguments like the ones that I hear other people get into. But other than being roommates, we aren’t anything more than that. Sure, he’s tried to wean me into hanging out and getting along with his group of friends, but to say it bluntly, I just never felt the openness or acceptance that would make me feel truly comfortable to sticking alongside them. However, I have gotten closer to one of the members of his group a lot more than the rest of them, and she’s been particularly friendly, which I’m extremely grateful for. But I also get this feeling that she’s being friendly for another reason and that reason is one that I can’t build a solid friendship with. As for the rest of his group, no one else seems particularly interested with getting to know me more, but I don’t mind, because I’m used to it. Of course they say hi whenever we pass by and see each other randomly, but that’s all it ever reaches. It’s probably just me who has the problem with people; I don’t make them feel comfortable for some reason.

But I digress, after getting up I usually just eat breakfast in my room while listening to music that I hope can the least bit motivate me to make something decent out of the day, or I go to eat at Andrews alone. I don’t mind eating alone, and apparently that’s something that is particularly weird for a lot of people. The close friend that I mentioned had told me one night that my roommate was concerned about me in the beginning of the year because he noticed that I frequently eat in the dining hall alone. He asked her, “Guys, what should I do?”, as if he was compelled to do something about it. I just laughed, but in truth, I was a bit annoyed because it made it seem that he thought something was wrong with me. Is there?

While at Andrews, I like to observe people. I like to observe all the people who notice me, but mostly, no one really notices some random dude who eats alone often. What I’m most curious about is what people think about when they do see me. What they think of me. What they wonder about. What they assess. What conclusions they draw–it’s all very fascinating to me. Then, almost 70% of the time, I go to some café on Thayer to begin studying/doing my homework. Once again, I’m usually alone, but I don’t mind the silence. It’s just that sometimes, I begin to think too much and then I begin to get annoyed of my thoughts, but there is no one with whom I can talk to. However much I want to stop thinking, I can’t pause all the thoughts that run through my mind, so I must resort to other means to get them extracted out of my head (like journaling). It’s during these moments when I wish that I could just think about nothing. Just simply think about nothing, and this is a huge challenge for me. That’s why I like going to cafés–I like the noise, because the noise is sometimes more tolerable than silence. It keeps my mind distracted so that it cannot start blabbering on and on. Doing this has taken a toll on my money, though.

As for the rest of the day, there isn’t really that much to it. Sometimes I’ll go to the gym, and then after I’ll go to the dining hall again, but yes, I think it is safe to say that my days since I started college have been fairly lonely. I don’t mean to say that I’m depressed or sad at this, but that I’m not happy either, so I suppose that there isn’t really any solid reason for me to be complaining. I might not be having the most exciting college experience, but I’ll accept and be grateful for the one that I have, because I’m lucky enough to even have one at this extremely prestigious university. So returning back to my thoughts on loneliness: I can’t really say much about it because it’s all I have been feeling, and I can’t complain because I don’t think it’s a good or bad thing…just that it’s natural for people like me ||

One thought on “loneliness

  1. Like you, I can’t quite decide whether I’m comfortable with loneliness. Sometimes it just feels right; to the point that when in a crowd, I often feel that I’m making others feel awkward because I’m not being sociable… and this makes me tend to avoid such gatherings, so the loneliness increases. But, mostly, I’m ok with that. Now and then, though, it sucks.

    Me, I’m glad we’re not all clones. How utterly boring that would be!

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