Fast forward approximately four months into my supposedly “dreamlike” college experience, and you’ll find me here–sitting perpendicular to my bed at 1 A.M. and having essentially wasted an entire day moping around and thinking too much instead of studying for the three impending finals that I still have to take, starting on Sunday, then Thursday and, finally, next Saturday. They call it a chaotic bliss but I call it a numbing sensation that I can’t blame the cold weather for.
Where do I even begin with this new chapter of my life. In the week that my family had travelled alongside me here on the east coast to help me move into college, I had to force myself to swallow the reality that this place was going to be my new home. My old home would still somehow be home, but it would be there in which my round-trip plane ticket’s end destination would say otherwise. I remember the day that I had to separate with my parents and brother all too well. At that time, I know I didn’t feign apathy in having to turn my back against their final hugs and watching the open door close shut without looking back. I felt relief, but I was also extremely unsure. Unsure of what to do next. I went up back to my room and prepared the last of the details my room had needed, and tried so hard not to confront with the idea that I was in a foreign place with foreign people with a definitive, foreign task at hand. I was starting over basically, and this was all that I had ever wanted five months prior, but I realize now that the only thing that I fear more than the prospect of starting anew was the fact that in doing so, I had to slowly let my old perception of life fall back as memories and weaken my ties with the few things that I held so dearly onto in my old home. All this because life’s a balance, and I of all people know very well that a breaking of this balance could lead to insanity.
Stark intimidation would be the two words that I would use to describe my first four months at this college. Truly brilliant and incredible students take the same classes that I do, have the same professors that I do, and take the same tests as I do. And it is these that I find the most uncomforting and unsettling, because the games have changed but my playing piece remains the same, and I’m petrified to even draw a move, as they’ve played these games before and have their strategies assuredly conceived. With the momentum of my classes reaching their full speed, I stutter and tumble over my feet because I truly feel inferior and I feel lost because I am without direction and a path–and this is why I think I’ve been finding it so difficult to remain focused in my classes, or even simply study for finals that I know I have the ability to do very well on. I’m scared for a possibility. This is how out-of-hand my case seems to be, but I know in my bones that I must trudge on, and somehow, keep faith in the other possibilities that I’m capable of realizing. Once again, I’ve managed to think too much and these thoughts have clouded my judgment. Must I remind myself once more that thoughts are intangible, but actions, physically perceivable? God willing.
And what have I been doing to cope with this situation? Shopping. Eating. Spending time looking in the mirror trying to figure out ways in order to make myself physically appear better so to mask the problems that I dare not to face at the moment. I’m a true procrastinator, and I hope that that doesn’t catch up with the rest of my life, because I have only so much strength to keep it encroached in one aspect of my life, let alone the entirety of it. I am legitimately fearful of what I am to become here, versus what I am capable of doing. I’m scared but I don’t dare to scream because that would wake up the others with alarm but distaste. I’m going to say it outright and admit that I still don’t feel accepted here, and that making friends has not been possible because of this feeling. I feel unwanted but isn’t feeling unwanted a selfish thing? And for that reason I remain in the sidelines while watching the rest of the campus grow friendships and flourish with these new-found relationships, but I stay silent because of the somewhat tacit understanding that I’m not worth their time nor breath.
Quick ! They glance. They notice how different I look and automatically know that I don’t fit their chimerical “friend criteria” mold. And then they look back away. This is always how it is. I know that this is always how it is. I wonder what it is that they think of me–all the people that see me throughout the day on a regular basis. I’m pretty sure that whatever it is is correlated to my resting bitch face and my awkward face in general. If I had a superpower I would have the ability to read minds so that I could figure out what the people who see me, think of me. God I am such a jealous human being. Pure jealousy dwells beneath my skin ||