I never thought that I would return to such a state of mind, because I didn’t realize that burying my problems would never actually solve them.
I had always believed that there were two types of people that exist; one, the person destined for success and happiness, and the other, the person that is the mere acquaintance of those destined for greatness. These people live their lives never actually fulfilling their own happiness, because their happiness is helping others achieve theirs. For most of my short time on earth, I perceived myself as the acquaintance and accepted it.
Perhaps I never thought of myself as more than that because I’ve always pictured myself as inferior to specific people. I didn’t think that I was worthy of such happiness given of how privileged and lucky they were to be, bluntly, simply them. I understood that some of these people were blessed with more attributes than me and so it was better for me to stay in the shade and watch from afar, excelling and becoming superior in the things that I could actually control. Whether it may be in academics or in other areas, such as music, I tried my hardest to pronounce my worthiness, however insignificant it might be.
Meeting people from all over the United States and the world at Brown University has compelled me to revert back to these thoughts, which I thought to have discarded some years prior. While talking to these new people, I couldn’t help but to think of just how amazing and simply lucky they were being as erudite as they were and living the such desirable lives that they grew to have. Even though I had only grown to know them to the extent of that which is possible in a two-day time span, I look up to them now, and ceaselessly wonder about just how amazing and lucky these people are.
I wholly admit that I am completely jealous of them, because they are the type of people whom I want to be. I know that I have always been insecure, but visiting Brown has revealed just how insecure of a person I am, knowing that I strive to make friends with the people whom I will perpetually endeavour to emulate. It depresses me knowing that the older I get, the more chimerical of an idea it becomes in my head, because there are only so many aspects of myself that I have control over and can alter by my own will.
But, for now, I have returned to my mundane life back in the suburbs of LA, worrying about how I need to worry more about the upcoming AP tests that I am scheduled to take. I’ve never truly felt more “finished” and over with high school; I lost all motivation to do little more than what is required of me to maintain decent grades, so that my offer of admission won’t face the threat of being rescinded. I wonder if all the people I’ve recently met also are now thinking in the same mindset–getting by with everything at the most minimum level.
These days, in fact, I spend more time thinking about myself and my future just because it seems fitting for the stage of my life that I’m entering very soon. I don’t quite see how learning more about statistics and acid-base titrations is preparing me for the world that I will spend the next multiple years of my life in. More so, I don’t think I’ve ever put anything beside academics and school as number one on my list of priorities, but I’ve also reckoned to embrace change.
So whilst I continue aspiring to fulfill my crazy dreams, I know that I will never stop being jealous of the people whom I think are superbly superior to me. Whether this will affect my actions and decisions later, I can only delve into the future, head-first, to find out ||