fleeting friendships

I never was the one to think that it would be whom someone would actually have a crush on, let alone, like. But somehow, this seemed to be the case with one of my friends that I developed a close friendship with about two years ago–granted, it wasn’t any type of relationship, it was just a genuinely good friendship that we had. And that’s why I’m sad to be witnessing it wither away this year.

I didn’t really realize that she started to like me until I noticed that she did things differently and how she would act with me specifically. One thing that stands out has to do with me holding her hand. Back then, she would ask me these hypothetical questions about what would happen if we got married or if she just randomly took my hand and started holding it.

The germaphobe that I am led her to somehow believe that I didn’t like her even as a person, just because I didn’t want to hold her hand. Other than the fact that I found it extremely odd and awkward for her to be asking such a question out of thin air, I also found it just as unnerving because  of the innate fact that I am averse to any type of human contact–and I mean any. Hugs, shaking hands, a pat on the shoulder– you name it, and I’ll make a petrified face at the sight of one’s hand reaching to grasp my trembling arm and demonstrate a mini-seizure during the process. Anyone and everyone knows that Adam Perry doesn’t like to be touched.

This went on for about a few months, and then last year, whilst talking on FaceBook, she had managed to broach the conversation about the possibility of me liking her. It was obvious to me that one of our conversations would eventually lead to that topic, but I also didn’t fear or dread it, because I wanted her to know the truth and how I felt about that.

The truth is an intimidating and fearful creature that is raw and unforgiving; however, what it is is just that. It is a brick in the wall of the universe that is reality, and no colour of a painted lie has the power to mask it indefinitely. So either we choose to confront that wall or we keep painting it with futile success.

I did a little nudging, but eventually she asked me something along the lines of:

“Have you ever felt any feelings towards one of your friends?”

I spoke truthfully and replied yes. I could tell that she was getting excited because of the speed at which she was typing her replies. She then asked me:

“Whom did you have feelings for?”

I lied and told her that I once had a crush on one of my friends in my home country. I don’t even have many friends in my home country, let alone like any of them. Fast forwarding the conversation, she finally asked me:

“Have you ever had any feelings for me?”

I told her no, and it was the truth. I even remember that the beginning of my reply was:

“In all honesty, I don’t have any feelings for you…”

I forget the rest, but the rest is irrelevant anyways.

After that incident, I began to notice how hostile and bitter she became whenever she talked to me. I pretended and continue to pretend that I have absolutely no reason why she would treat me that way, but I had always knew that she was jealous and utterly hated me for my confessing that I did not like her. What else could have I have done? Painted a new layer?

The situation with her worsened ten-fold when she had discovered, by herself, that I had been communicating with Ally. She feigned knowledge that she did not know who she was or what her relationship was with me, but I knew that she knew something. Whatever she knew, I knew that she would misinterpret everything. And much to my chagrin, she did.

I had told her everything that had happened with Ally–or more precisely, everything that didn’t happen with her, but I know that she still did not find any closure.

Since then, she has found a boyfriend, and I am, in all honesty, completely exuberant that she has found someone who genuinely likes her, because I know that I would have never felt the same way, thus the reason of my painfully declining her. Yet the cost of rejecting her was the end of our friendship, and I long to have a friendship like that again, because I find myself lonely. I don’t wish to venture out into the world of relationships, I am just lonely and in need of a good friendship once more ||

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