Today, I have decided to forget about this girl whom I have been in contact with for the past year. Basically, everything that had culminated for the last few months has been left stagnant, and now, whatever I had thought was possible or what was going to happen, has withered.
I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to realize that I didn’t even care much for this girl. Rather, she was an idea for me that I tirelessly built and enhanced in my mind. I hoped that she even had a notion of what possibly went on in my mind as I anxiously waited for her messages, or as I glanced at her as I crossed the quad at my school, feeling well-aware that I was in her line of sight.
What I find most ironic about this story is that I never actually knew her. We never hung out at school, or outside of school for that matter. But with our phones was a completely different case, because we would sometimes stay up until the dead of night randomly talking about our day or complaining/ranting about how much homework we still needed to do despite our obvious intentions to procrastinate.
I walked down the hall. I see her. I glanced at her face. But I turn my head back facing my oblivious friends. She glanced at me. I know she did. But I pretend to have never seen her. I always do.
I have blown up this single girl into immense proportions as some “great pursuit,” even though I now realize that she means little to me. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her or when I don’t wonder whether she’s thinking about me. Although, obviously, she isn’t, because she is a lie.
I had received her first text on the last day of school. I was surprised, but somewhat anticipating that she would get in contact with me sooner or later. I barely knew her, but at that time, I felt that barely was enough. I shrugged off any other notion that led me to believe that she was just doing this for one of her friends, but like I said, I was naive.
It was about three weeks later when I wondered why she had so suddenly decided to talk to me. I knew that one of her friends had had a crush on me, and that was apparent, but I didn’t make such a correlation until that point. I would like to thank two of my friends for assisting me with this clarification, and I would also like to berate myself for having clung on to the wild disbelief that that wasn’t the case with this girl. Today, I would like to tear the rope instead of waiting for it to tear on me.
I find it extremely difficult to talk about Ally.
In all honesty, I yearn for the life I had before her, because I had nothing to keep my mind so occupied with such useless details–I am, only 17 of course. And I know in all the heavens and afterlives that I am not destined for a petty matter such as love. That she forget me, fine, but that I forget her, excellent. Now, I only wish to be able to go on with the rest of my life not caring about her or spending so much as a split second on her in my valuable thoughts. I know that pressing matters are of priority, and she is definitely not present on that list.
Still, she manages to creep in. But I will not allow that any further. I will go to college and live a new life and smile at the past knowing that she is insignificant with the individual whom I am. I need to move on and accept that I, by my own volition, have consciously ended whatever this thing was.
I have friends who know me and a clear conscience to enlighten me. I am grateful for that ||